Cant find words to title this

I don’t know how to explain it. A friend told me not to talk to him, he is not handling well the situation and I wouldn’t get a reponse that I deserve. Because I haven’t done anything wrong. I had to leave, it was planned before him, it was pais, I had to leave.

I find it unfair that he gets to read what I think, what I feel, and I can’t. That he can know it all, and I have to wait to whatever time he finds it suitable to write. It is my choice, I could stop twitting, I could not answer the emails but how do you not answer the words of the person you love? Seriously, i suck at break ups…

I try to be chill and give aproppiate distance which makes me feel like a fake.

That is what I was doing today, trying to be cool, i made jokes and then you just went off and gave me the closest thing to hanging up on me you could. Second time by the way. The first one, I admit it, I deserve, you told me nice things and I said you needed to get over me. I deserved it. Yet I didn’t deserve all the other things he did… And yet, I lay here in bed feeling guilty because he did not care for the joking today..

There are days… days when I just want to snap out of it. It would be easier…

The random Hello

“Hello. Long time no see.”

Easy quick words. A casual comment. But I had wondered about the everyday afternoon when it would happen. One thing is the ocasional hello on msn, the stupid conversation about a movie I had told him years ago he should see. Another thing is the encounter.

I used to giggle. I had this warm feeling invade me. The day shined brighter. I was no longer cold.

“Hello. Long time no see.” And nothing within me moved.  I was listening to Damien Rice on my iPod. He look at me with his brown eyes and said hi, and the world remained as clouded as any other afternoon. No butterflies. No red filters covering my eyes making the world shine brighter. Just me sitting there, listening to some music and looking at someone I used to know, someone who used to know me. Just me there sitting in front of the person I used to love and being completely sure I didn’t love him anymore.

I said Hi. Made polite conversation. This man used to be my best friend. He doesn’t know me anymore… Did I change that much? Did he really know? Did we really know each other? It didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t important, it didn’t haunt me. I no longer cared

He left for class. I went to another building.

I sat on a room with some friends for 5 hours. At times, the smell that still invades my collar from the time I want to New guy’s house floated around my nose. And then… then… I had to put it into words. I am dangerously close to loving New Guy. Not because I don’t love D-boy anymore, but because of who New Guy is, because his sole smell puts a smile on my face. Because just watching him eat something I made makes me so proud of my cooking, because when I go to bed is him I want to keep me company, because his voice is the last thing I wanna hear when I go to sleep and his touch is the first thing I want to feel when I wake up.  Because I love making him happy, I love his smile, his funny faces, the way he gives me small kisses on the side of my face, when he hugs me and his arms hold me, when we hold hands and feel so at peace.

And there it is… I used the word Love…

He makes me happy

You know what it is like to feel incredibly happy? to feel completely at peace? to somehow feel completely fulfilled and satisfied?

I am used to feel this tension in my stomach, always stressed out, always in a hurry, always thinking something might go wrong.

Well… I am glad to inform I no longer feel that way. I sept my entire weekend feeling so happy, in ways I didn’t know I could be happy. New guy makes me happy. He happens to exceed my expetations without really trying, to give me great experiencies by simple things.

I think… I think I might love him. Which is such a problem because… We are breaking up in a month. And just the idea of having to let go… It makes me wanna curl up and cry… But I won’t, I will focus on how perfect it is to sleep on his chest, on how great it is to wake up and have him next to me, on how addictive it is to talk to him, on how awesome is to hold hand with him… I will cherish how happy he makes me. I will cry over it later, when there is reason for it, when we are not holding hands.

He is so good for the soul

I had become quite a cynic before D-Boy, and then I spent most of the relationship with D-Boy feeling awfully insecure and not loved. So by the end of that relationship, I just felt like a mess and had quite a set of horrible dark months. Good Lord, I am lame.
Anyways, this post is not about the emo times spent with D-Boy. I was thinking today on how good the new guy has been for the soul. He has given so much confidence in my self and in life. Thanks to him I am able to take more risks, to just do the things I want and make me happy, to know to differenciate them.
After everything that happened last year, I had so many walls and now… Now I say what I want, I have the confidence to speak up when I want something.
New guy is good for the soul. But I really need to find him a better nickname. He is not so new anymore.

After the survival, there is living

I always worried about what would happen if D-boy came back and asked me to get back together. You see, in a very sick part of my brain I thought I would never find a man that would live up to D-boy, that I would never get over it. in another sick part, it was all wishful thinking, I wanted him to come back and want me.

But here’s what I have found out. Not only I wouldn’t take back D-boy even if he came back and apologized and said he loves me, but after all that pain that is traced in the beginning of this blog, I have lived again. I can like a new guy, I can stop thinking about D-boy, I can stop caring about him.

I don’t longer make my decisions based on D-boy. I make them thinking of what would make me happy. With some bumps a long the way, this new guy makes me happy

Memories that haunt me

I was searching through the drafts of the blog and I found something I had written the day D-boy left. truth to be told, I know I am going to keep finding things I wrote for him or about him through out every inch of my life. Every now and then I open a notebook and find something I wrote.

This time, It was a page about the things I wanted to do with D-boy that I never got to do. I wanted to be able to say: I’ll take that ticket and go visit him. I wanted to fly a kite, I wanted him to drive so I wouldn’t have to, a real date.

And of course, i wanted not to feel like the air was being pushed out of my lungs everytime someone said the date he was leaving.

See.. Here is my problem. The new guy, he totally sent to hell most of the trust he had built with me. And so now I am remembering the horrible times I had when I stopped trusting D-boy… And I am not sure if the new guy will be able to win the trust back on time… because I don’t want to feel like I felt then.

I LIKE YOU

Believe it or not… This is about the new guy. I can’t quite put a nickname on him yet. Anyways…. This is a list of how I like him

I like you enough not to care what people might say (and I have always cared)
I like you enough to stop being a fake lesbian on facebook if you asked
I like enough to hold your hand in public spaces even when it freaks me out
I like you enough to want to sleep on your chest
I like you enough to feel free and secure going alone to your house
I like enough to consider having sex with you
I like you enough to want to wake up next to you one morning and just laze around in bed
I like you enough not to be bothered by your weird music
I like you enough to sleep right next to my cellphone every single night
I like you enough not to care about my phone bill
I like you enough to apologize when I think I’ve done something wrong
I like you enough to be bothered by the fact that you might sleep with other girls
I like you enough to allow myself to like you, to love you even when I know I will feel so bad in a couple of months
I like you enough to get used to your stupid and politically incorrect comments
I like you enough to start writting about you
I like enough to stop talking and thinking about D-Boy
I like you enough to be worried about next tuesday’s conversation

I like you, I like you so much that if this will make you unhappy, I would stop seeing you… no matter how much I would miss listening to your voice whisper I like you, good night. And the kiss…

Choices

About a month, 6 weeks, I don’t remember exactly when, I made a choice. I would give the new guy a chance. I would stop running and let him catch a break. And so I did. Little by little I began to compromise. I stopped talking to D-Boy regularly, I stopped cooking for D-Boy. I cooked for this new guy.

When the new guy asked to see me, it took less time for me to accpet it, I began to appreciate the late night phonecalls just to say good night. I began to make the late night phonecalls. And of course, the biggest leap of faith. I went to his house. All by myself. Without telling anyone.

It was a stupid choice not to let anyone know. Thank god, it was quite nice. He was sweet and respectful and fun, so fun. It was such a shame that on that first time at his house I was still haunted by my sick mind that shouted that it was so wrong to be with the new guy and not with D-Boy. That day, I sent my sick fake consciense to hell.

Later that week I decided to really stop thinking about my love for D-boy and just enjoy how great things were going with the new guy. Then came the inevitable once you decide to compromise in order to make it work with someone else: i like him. I really like. So much that when he says he (and I hate that in english there is no other word for it) loves me, I want to say it back.

I also made the decision to let things flow regardless of the fact that by september we wouldn’t be together anymore. I am going on a long trip and I don’t want a long distance relationship. I didn’t want a relationship of any kind in the first place. And so, when I began to compromise and to be nice and to be sweet and lovey with new guy, somewhere in my mind I was also accepting the fact that It was going to hurt when I left, that It was going to suck, that I was going to really really miss him and that I would deal with that when the time came. I don’t want miss out on life just because the clock is ticking. Tthe clock is always ticking anyways.

And So as I was compromising and trusting him, as I was letting go of my paranoid ways, of D-Boy of the voices in my head that screamed It’s gonna hurt! and you’ll be all alone… As I was compromising, he decides that is going to hurt so much when I leave, that perhaps he should star sleeping with other people again… not that we were sleeping together anyways…

Hum…

I guess it  is kind of a big deal being monogamous with me for him. Specially when apparently he is not really into being like that and doesn’t go that way usually. I should say…

I find it odd. That he is not being promiscuous. I find it odd and threatening. Odd because I am not sleeping with him. So I don’t see how someone who is so used to getting sex on a regular basis from various women would choose to be with just one person who is not given him any kind of sex. And I find it threatening because It puts a lot of pressure on me. I don’t he is doing it for that reason. When he stopped sleeping around it was very clear that i didn’t want to close down the options on my end. But when he chooses not to sleep with other women, it makes it extremely clear that he has made a choice, and that choice is: I only want to be with you. But… as romantic as that might be, I am not sure that I am ready to have sex. That’s where the pressure factor comes in. He has never pushy, he has always been respectful, when I ask him to stop, he stops, no grinding, no fighting, no retaliation. Yet, he is used to getting laid and… I am not sure If I want to have sex!

I really like him. I really really like him. When I am with him, I don’t even think of D-boy, I actually have come to believe I have started to fall out of love with D-boy. But the thing I fear will happen is I won’t be ready to have sex by the time he starts to really miss it. That doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with him out of pressure. It’s just means, it wouldn’t be a crazy guess to say things won’t last much long.

I gotta come up with a tag name for this guy.

Comfort, patience and people

Just because people might never live up to our expectations does not mean we should give up on them.

They might come around and surprise you.

I usually get my way.

I may have to wait.

I might have to wait decades.

But I get my way.

I ask, the Universe answers.

It’s just a matter of patience.

The truth is that when it comes to things I want, patience is my virtue.

And it also happens to be my greatest flaw.

Life is too short to be so damn patient.

One day I will have to put my foot down and decide if I will continue to beg for D-boy’s love or give myself the chance to love someone else. Will I have the guts to get out of my comfort zone?